What Katie REALLY did next

Nuff said.....

The Kidz are allright

What they say....

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age 8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (bless )

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7).

It's a Fiks

It has to be said.....

UN-Believable!

Russia Today Health and Safety not an issue there obviously...

Eat less Veg

I'm fed up being chastised (Nagged even), about eating meat, like it is my fault cows are blasting methane into the stratosphere, in between dumping shit around by the half-ton...do I eat grass ? no ! DO cows ? YES ! Do I use up half my bloody carbon footprint skimming my milk first, NO ! Do health freaks ? YES ! and they buy water that is free from the tap, and uses more resources than even mother nature can drum up... Do I sit down to a Sunday meal and carve up a Bloody Nut Roast ? like buggery do I ! (Mostly I'm out cold after 12 pints and a takeaway anyway)..

Fat in butter and food, is a NATURAL by-product, why oppose nature ? we're always told to eat only natural foods, that's what I do, it's got to be better than homogenized,sterilized, with added Carbon 60, and frozen to the nth degree first, with enough additives to offer Iran a nuclear deterrent for £2.50p.... I buy grub it's got bluddy traffic lights printed on it, there is no way cheddar can get a driving licence. More carbonized footprints gone down the polluted Swanee. They use enough plastic to wrap it, that it will longer to degrade than strontium 90...

When they dig us all up in year 3010, the radioactivity will be gone, but the chocolate egg wrapping will still be there. If we want a healthier and fitter Britain then let us eat Vegetarians, it makes total sense, Cows are vegetarians, I'll eat them and feel proud to be doing my best to save the planet. More grass left over for the Veggies we leave too....

Advice to the impaired lovelorn...

MM's new advice column to the loverlorn, fed up, and part-time hearing impaired.

Where would you go for the silver lining to hearing loss? You could try U3A News, the magazine of the University of the Third Age, where third agers - normally retired people - or those who knit to pass the time, go to learn.

An U3A member wrote in one issue of this fine journal, "There can be considerable advantages in hearing loss. You can 'go deaf' and be excused when volunteers are required for horrible jobs. Have you ever had your home filled with smelly jumble or served on committees where nothing is ever achieved? (AND SOME !), and when the local hypochondriac waylays you, don't even make an effort to listen.

Just stick a sympathetic smile on your face and plan your menu while they witter on." People who live successfully with hearing loss must develop the ability to laugh at their mistakes. This helps to make family, friends and fellow-workers feel more at ease. Using self-deprecating humour to relieve tension and laughing with others is an expression of kinship or social bonding, not too much they might think you are Ronald Macdonold's stand in.. and go for the Mega Brunch option.

So laugh and the world laughs with you.... (No they aren't laughing AT you, get a grip)... Some positive aspects of hearing loss are....

You find you don’t hear what you used to pretend you didn’t hear.

Your friends will trust you with a secret. But then, you probably didn’t hear it in the first place.

People appreciate that they don’t have to talk about you behind your back, as long as they keep smiling while they face you, and have a sock in their mouth, you're none the wiser.

You can't hear your partner snoring anymore.

If your home is under the flight path of a major airport, or alongside a motorway.

If the teenager next door digs hard rock with 18-inch speakers.

When you are asked to mow the lawn, wash the car, paint the living room, take out the bins, etc. Everyone says what good listener you are.

Let the Gods grant us the laughter to see the past with perspective, to face the future with hope, and to celebrate today, without taking ourselves too seriously. Train yourself to be more optimistic by pinpointing your negative thinking and replacing it with a positive, can-do, not can't-do, philosophy.

Smile and laugh as much as possible. Watch funny movies, avoid TV, you're far too intelligent for that... Let us promote a day of FUN, and give us all at least one day's rest from the grinding navel contemplations of the fact we can't hear, and the view everyone hates us.... or at least wants to make us as miserable as they are